For most people, their “normal” development into adult relationships cripples their capacity for moving beyond marital sex
She carried the residue of shame about revealing her sexual desires, shame that originated in her relationship with her mother. She was dealing with that in therapy, but that shame had joined with a still-existing view in our culture that a woman who expresses herself sexually must be a slut/whore. Moreover, Julie and Tom had descended into the low-level, adversarial power-struggle so typical of the functional relationship.
Sometimes marital sex includes a hook-up sexual experience-perhaps when on a vacation, or aided by ingesting substances, legal or illegal. And it shares with hook-up sex what sex therapist Joer calls ” balloon sex”: b uilding up tension, followed by release, mostly focused on the genitals. Nevertheless, marital sex is further along the continuum because it includes some degree of https://hookupdate.net/escort-index/phoenix/ emotional, relational connection, in addition to sex. Couples who have marital sex like something about each other as people. Or at least they did at one time, when they first got together.
So, learning new sex techniques or acquiring new sexual knowledge wasn’t going to elevate their sexual relationship beyond marital sex
That relational connection is both good and bad. The good part is that your relationship is more humanly evolved, and contains the possibility of evolving towards making love. The bad part is that all the feelings, conflicts, non-mutual behavior, hiding out and manipulation characteristic of the adolescent model of love can seep into your sex life like a growing virus. For example, withholding sex as punishment, or using it as leverage for manipulating your partner in some way. Or projecting and reenacting all sorts of unresolved family, parental, and sibling issues in your relationship. Michael Vincent Miller described much of this in Intimate Terrorism, about the sex lives of modern couples bound by struggles for possession and power over the other. All of that usually leads to diminished sexual connection over time.
In short, couples that have marital sex play out in the bedroom everything unspoken and unresolved from outside the bedroom. Julie may have learned how long it takes to reach an orgasm, but she didn’t know much about what she and Tom need to do along the way to build a heightened, fulfilling and energized sexual relationship.
But integrating what I call Radical Transparency and Words-Into-Actions with specific sexual practices can heighten energy, connection, and excitement between partners on all levels of their relationship. Doing that is the path to the most evolved, integrated mind-body-spirit relationship: making love.
You might think of this as “spiritual sex,” but I think that term is too easily equated-mistakenly-with only ecstatic physical experience. And some recent research indicates that seeking just the experience of transcendent, physical sex can also increase the likelihood of unprotected sex. Instead, envision two partners whose sex life is interwoven with heightened mind, body, and spiritual connection.
That is, Tantric and similar Eastern practices like Qi gong will enhance conscious energy flow between partners and that “ego-less” state that people often long for. But your sexual relationship elevates to that higher plane only when you join that energy to the energy that comes from open communication and equality in your daily behavior with your partner. This integration focuses you and your partner on your shared journey through life on this planet, including larger issues about your sense of meaning and purpose in the world. As Tolstoy wrote in Anna Karenina, “Without knowing what I am and why I am here, life is meaningless.”